” Courageous you say.”

Letting go.

Under go.

Its courageous; you say, to move so far away-

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

I never thought of it that way.

Too worried I was running away.

Easier,

I thought it would be.

When in fact it was harder, than before .

Highlighting necessary change.

Yet…

Shame. Shame. Shame.

Why Am I such a mess?

Why can’t I reach this?

Why can’t I get this?

Why can’t I  fix this?

It is harder, so much harder. Harder than anything else I’d done.

Just myself, room in white, dashes of pink, colored by quirky me.

A space of my own all put together. But alone.

So alone.

Excelling in school.

Learning more than I’ve ever wanted to know,

Changing more than I’ve ever wanted to change.

Feeling more, feeling less than I’ve ever wanted to feel

Cycles broken; cycles made

Get it together, I beg

But,

What is “It”? Pray, do tell.

How do I find “together”?

How do I get it together?

Yet, overwhelming waves of gratefulness.

Grateful for the pain.

The misery, the agony, the discomfort.

Courage, strength, progress

Dare I say trust?

Are the results.

Yet the method changes each time.

Paper, scan tron, fill in the blank, reflection, short answer, online-

an experience, people, a boundary, hesitancy, a plan delayed, fear, distaste.

What is the test today? Will I know instinctually or only in glancing back?

Short as I’ve lived, with some misery; I often just simply be.

Arms stretched wide, light and free

No makeup days

Take it easy reminders

Connection rather than isolation.

Learn, share, change. Yes, there’s still pain and shame;

But sunshine is more often available than not.

Smile, yes. I was ashamed. But courageous I say.

It is harder, so much harder. Harder even than great acts of courage.

Those like Louis Zamperini come to mind.

What made him so brave? Living his every day.

Not passively, not unconsciously.

Attend the meeting, rip the band aid off, follow the movement, choose to be you, take the opportunity.

Please, no more waiting.

It’s okay to try.

There’s no need to not show up.

There’s no need to not cry nor to cry.

There’s no need to hide.

As for me,

Yes, I’ll dance in public.

Yes, I see them laughing. I see them looking.

But I simply don’t care. Not today.

No rain on my parade.

I’ll laugh, I’ll cry, I’ll feel how I feel.

You can’t stop me.

True.

Your words can hurt me; but can they really?

You don’t know me; So, laugh away.

I’ve got armor, you know nothing about.

Fortified, formed, newly used, not quite worn.

As for you;

I hope you grow into your skin.

Unafraid to be where you’ve been or could be.

I hope you don’t hold on to the mistakes of your youth

Nor avoid the truth.

Learn more than you ever wanted to learn, change more than you’ve ever wanted to change.

Create a you that you’ve never been.

Hear them laughing, feel them looking- then walk away.

You’re better off without them.

No permission needed to like you;

Permission to simply be.

It’s courageous you’ll say; whatever it may be.