Dear Reader,
Valentine’s day is one those holidays that elicits a number of perspectives; for better or for worse. There’s the excited, love-inspired Bae Day, or the friendship filled, solidarity or no care meet up known as Galentines, there’s the single date or I don’t need a man day, and there is the soul crushing, miserable Single Awareness Day. The last one is particularly difficult on a day that seems to represent the very idea of what many of us want in life; someone to share our life with. As of this year, I am twenty-two years old and according the average dating age; I am approximately ten years behind. Now, I will be honest- I have always been that girl that loves every romantic, sweet thing possible. From rom-coms and princess fairytales to couple’s meeting stories, and seeing and observing loving couples in church and in my home. As such; I have always been and still am, the girl that has waited.
In Highschool, I suppose I had my first chance, permission would have to be sought; but, I was officially allowed to date around 16 years old. As it was, I was content to live in my books and movies experiencing secondhand romance as I watching friends dating, breaking and making up, and moving on to “another fish in the pond. At my undergraduate university, I watched the same cycle; friends dating, breaking and making up; only now there was a new spin to the usual cycle. Soul wrenching despair; the longing to have someone, anyone by their side. It was my freshman year when I began to feel the burn; there was no longer an excuse it seemed. I went from a child to an adult and I was determined to leave with a degree and a HE. Let’s just say, I walked away with a degree and dove right into another; skipping the HE. Why? In honesty; it was my faith, my immaturity, and a clear picture of what I wanted with an unclear idea of how to find it.
As a Christian, I wanted to do things differently than how I had seen them done in the past; whether through friendships or examples close to me. The desire really started when I was 17; the year before I went off to college- I was saved and as a proclamation of my faith as my own; I was baptized. From that point onward; I knew I had to live differently. I could not be so flippant, so irresponsible with my life. It’s funny how one can have a conviction so strong, even to this day; and continually choose to do the opposite. I was and am far from a perfect Christian; many days I failed to even complete basics requirements of reading the scripture or praying; but I always held fast to what I was waiting for. My “ideal husband” was simple and my boundaries for dating even simpler. He had to be a Christian who was actively seeking the Lord; I had to see fruits. He had to want to have a family and be open to moving near my hometown. He had to be working towards something. And that was all. My boundaries were perhaps more radical; there would be no premarital relations, we would not live together or stay together, and I would not kiss him until my wedding day. These boundaries were really in an effort to keep as much of my heart for my husband as possible; so, that I could wholly and fully give myself to our union. I do not regret these standards however small the “pond” may have gotten. However, I do regret my approach.
The funny thing about Rom Com’s like Ever After, or stories like Pride and Prejudice, or fairytales like Cinderella is there is a beginning, there are tension points building to the climax, and there is the conclusion. The happy ending if you will. Somehow, I skipped the tension points, the climax and expected the happy ending, and I used my standards and my boundaries as a weapon. A standard of perfection that the few that were interested never measured up to. And the fallout of my actions was a messy, shameful pit of admittedly some self-pity, hurt feelings, and miscommunication which still affects me today. I still hold to my standards; that will not change. But my perspective is that of understanding that perfection is not achievable before or after a relationship, that people’s hearts are precious, and it is okay to not be ready. I was not ready. I was not ready because I was unwilling to stop and listen to one who I based these standards on. So, the fallout was a dragging year of self-hatred, distraction, and attempting to convince myself I was never wrong. I believe part of this reason is I was struggling to understand who I was and whom I was loved by. Some might call it self-love; and its true, one needs to love themself. However, not in the sense of the world. That I change who I am to find acceptance, or lean on validation, throw myself into a workaholic, perfectionist, or allow myself to simply follow every desire unrestricted. It is loving myself how God sees me.
One thing that helped me to begin to see this was average sized, blue paperback. A book that I put off for two years before reading it and managed to get caught in a downpour with; permanently soaking it into its current wavy, crinkled state- despite a week of air drying. It’s called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. When I finally got down to it; I finished half the book in three hours adding salty tears to the pages. Then I went months unable to read it. Then I picked it up again; a waterfall of tears, but so much joy. This pattern went on until I finished it last year. This book teaches you about a woman’s soul as she was made by God; it doesn’t matter if you are a tomboy or a total girly girl- it talks about things that are for you to understand who you are in love and in a way, what to do in love. So, in a little over a month; I am going to share the most salient parts of this book. I hope this encourages you to try it for yourself, to think differently, walk through this world differently; but if not, here is some bite sized truths for a rainy day. So, to all my singles out there; don’t give up and don’t lose hope in the waiting; it’s still hard and there is still a plan. Later World!
-Sincerely, Livdawn
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