Challenge: “I will stay true to the role God has created for me by….”
This week, or rather last week’s devotion revealed a key truth; that from the moment of your inception, birth, the start of every big moment in your life is known and planned by God. Psalm 139:16 backs up this statement by declaring, ” You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” The book further touches on this point by emphasizing that each one of us is purposely created to fulfill the roles we are in.
And yet. I struggle to no end to believe it. How will I stay true to this role? Today was one of those days that everything is fine but everything is not fine within you. The kind of day when you question everything and you no longer believe that you are enough. Lauren Daigle put this feeling into words beautifully in her song Inevitable; and despite my hesitation to point anyone to her music, it truly encapsulates the feeling. So, here it is: I can feel when my mind starts to creep into doubt/ On the days when the strength in my heart’s giving out….Ever running to what I can’t see/ Fighting out of all my unbelief.
It is so tempting to reinvent ourselves to fashion ourselves into what we think we should be at that moment; a girlfriend, a modern dancer, popular, bubbly, relatable, a spiritual leader, classically beautiful, a renaissance woman, enchanting, a Pauline – like Christian, the perfect daughter, the best sister, unapologetically confident. I struggle with all these so so so so so much. I struggle to remain in my singleness not because I believe I’ve found the one but because I want that connection. I have spent the whole day picking apart every facet of myself, berating, naggin to be better at a style of dance that my college loves but I have no passion for. Like a man on an island all alone, I struggle to come to terms with that fact because I am not a modern, jazz, tap, or hip-hop dancer! I am a ballet dancer to my core- I enjoy learning other styles and exploring the nuances and differences, however, it is soul-crushing when you seem to be the only one who feels so. It is especially hard around this season when preparation for DanceWorks, our annual concert displaying student choreography is in full swing. Audition after audition, text after text, “Thank you for coming out and sharing your dancing but I decided to….” “You are a beautiful expressive dancer, but unfortunately I had to cut down on our cast- please know this has nothing to do with who you are or your dancing…” One can only take so much. One can only reassure oneself so much. ” Oh, well at least I tried…” “You’ve only experienced modern dance a year, it’s okay…”. It is frustrating and tempting to change, to force myself to be like the rest, to fit that mold- but I don’t have the energy or desire to keep up such a ruse. I lead in so many things, it’s hard to truly believe they chose me- all of me. Not the well-meaning, but false confidence and bubbliness. There are also the expectations I hold myself to when it comes to my faith; that are ever so slowly suffocating me.
The most mind-boggling thing is that I am not by any means a failure. I earned scholarships to cover my tuition and living costs for the whole $52,000 and I am getting through college debt-free. I was a dual-enrolled student and completed my associate’s in 2 years, even when it meant enrolling in two colleges at the same time, I made the dean’s list every semester. I run not one, but two life groups; I sing on my Christian organization worship team, I advise incoming students coming into Meredith, and I choreographed a solo to get into school. I, a student taught not only in high school but last summer. I work with autistic kids in actual clinical practice, I have a tribe of family and friends that love and support all my endeavors. In everything I do, I work hard and I throw my entire being into it.
And yet, I am still not enough for myself.
But through it all, one thing keeps me going. God. I don’t know how to explain it- but even when I feel like I am not a good example of a Christian when I try to serve too much to “prove” my worth when I cannot forgive myself for how I have treated others in the past, when I feel guilty for being so out of sorts when I am supposed to minister, when I feel like no matter what I do- I am a step behind everyone else. Even when I run away to movies and books, to escape into others’ stories, or when I avoid and procrastinate on homework assignments and housework. And especially when I am afraid and ashamed to come to GOD.
And yet, HE still waits for me to come back. HE still has a plan for me and I am enough for GOD. I’m not enough for myself but for HIM- the creator of the universe, I am somehow enough.
So, I will stay true to the role God has created for me by coming back to Him, even when I feel terrible, and reminding myself of what GOD thinks- not what I think.
“I look up to the mountains
Does my strength come from the mountains?
No, my strength comes from God
” King and Country, “Shoulders”
Keep your head up, It gets better. I promise, Livdawn.