“Fracturing”

Help me

Help me escape this never ending hell.

Never satisfied.

Never fulfilled.

I long for what others have;

A home to call their own

Peace of mind.

Understanding.

Togetherness.

Awareness of time.

Progress.

Every step closer feels like sliding backwards.

I’m still the same.

Scared, afraid to lose control.

Of what?

Failure? Or what failure could mean?

I can’t fail.

A sacrifice appreciated

A family to uphold.

An example to set.

A debt owed.

Failure is so heavy, there’s nothing learnt

like jagged steel

Scared, afraid to lose control.

Of what?

Emotions? Or what they mean?

Terrified the hole is more jagged than expected

The clearness I lose

How soothing it is to fall away, not flying, dying.

The words that fail to explain

The movements that come out too real.

The vulnerability, too raw.

Unlovable; as I thought.

Too much.

Scared, afraid to lose control.

Of what?

Progress? Or the lack of it?

Burning both ends short.

Cramming to fill my head.

Straining to make it to the end.

One honor, two honors-

never enough.

How can I be enough?

Then comes the fall.

Why try?

Laughing as not to cry.

Sleeping to escape, crushing doubt.

Bombarded; retract.

Eyes aching; refusing to close; stuck in waking

Bones weary, muscles screaming for relief.

Stop moving, get some sleep.

Nourish my heart, don’t let it rot.

Snap!

Scared, afraid to lose control.

Of what?

Knowing I tried to hold what could not be held

Letting go what I could

Each one I dropped, a stab in the heart.

I refuse to be victim

Victim to my thoughts

and again I concede

Dragging down vibrance- you are making them weak.

O’ Lord, O’Lord!

Save me from myself.

My horrid deeds.

Fill my never ending needs.

Don’t leave me, though a weed I may be.

Help me, Mold me as you see.

I scared to keep living,

I keep taking, not giving.

Is it fake empathy or watered down sympathy?

I never want to be another burden,

Yet, I can’t let go.

I won’t even cry.

Too proud to let it stumble,

to trickle and crumble.

My one consolation is your house,

O’ Lord

That you have a place where brokenness can reside surrounded by light

Then I remember your house within me

A son shaped hole filled by HE.

Its true; there is nothing worthwhile in me.

It’s true; I’m useless, soiled, and cruel.

It’s true; I’m broken, dirty, shameless, and poor.

I haven’t a deed to my name.

I’m silly, ridiculous, and greedy.

Yet.

There is a son shaped hole filled by HE.

Suddenly; there is worth within me.

Suddenly; there is purpose, cleansing, and kindness.

Suddenly; I cease to see cracks, somehow whole, shining, sustained.

Suddenly; everything I do is for You.

I’m not silly; I’m your daughter. Not ridiculous but valuable. Not greedy but pleasantly needy.

If there is a son shaped hole filled by HE,

it covers everything I can’t bear to be seen.

Oh’ Lord!

Everywhere you follow me.

Though, at times I can’t see you.

Steeped in sin, grinning not to wince.

God, even then you will still seek me.

Oh’ Lord!

Bridges burnt-

Feelings hurt.

Even then you still won’t leave me.

Oh’ Lord,

Why?

Why am I so precious to someone like you?

Why does my life matter to you?

I can’t seem to grasp,

fully wrap it

encased in my brain.

why does it feel so broken inside?

How could you want what I hide?

Surely, there is beauty in places elsewhere?

So, why grow a garden in me?

Why bother with me?

Oh Lord!

I’m sure I will never understand your ways.

I’ll never see what you’ve gained; picking up all my blame.

My needs, my shame.

The crumbly pieces and stone hard chunks.

All I know, is I need you more than living,

then breathing, seeing.

All I know, is by now I would have been long dead.

Down in the grave or spread in the wind.

Nothing more than a has been.

All I know, is for some reason you are not done.

All I can say is “Thank you, for the son.”

Thank you, that you’re not done.

Thank you, I was’nt left behind,

not dead, into dust.

Thank you Lord, for all I need is you.

A Poem by L.V. Roy