Dear Reader,
I must confess, before offering any sort of suggestions, that I am a hypocrite. My first post under this name offered a genuine reflection of how I have approached dating as a Christian girl and my regrets. What this post did not offer before exhorting struggling singles to remember their identity in Christ and trusting that there is a plan, IS that there are obstacles to reaching these markers. I do believe that Christ will help singles such as myself with these challenges and find joy in the preparation period. I also acknowledge that it is more complicated than a positive declaration to the world, a personal promise to yourself, or a prayer to the Lord. So, I want to share some obstacles that singles may encounter as well as some of my own personal struggles and finally some solutions that may be helpful.
So, what are some obstacles that singles may be facing that make singleness feel more like a trial than an opportunity for preparation? Some obstacles are desire, loneliness, fear, cultural influences, peer and familial influences, personal pressure, and addiction. This list isn’t exhaustive; but, I am going to attempt to flesh out these broad categories more fully to express my experience and what I’ve observed in others.
Desire is the feeling or physical urge relating to something that we want. One could desire an endless list of things from sexual fulfillment or pleasure, to a specific look, feeling loved or admiration and attention. Fear falls in this same vein of desire in that it keep us in this state of anticipation or awareness of lack. It points to a lack in our life we want to fill or satisfy. It creates an envy or anxiousness that I do not have what I perceive I need or lack the ability to bring about that desired outcome. Fear can tell us we are missing out on romance related experiences, we are failing to fit in, to fulfill familial expectations, and this lack is evidence that that our fears of being alone, personally lacking and behind everyone else are all true.
There is a myriad of ways we can assuage these fears and meet our desires without God’s involvement. We can go to locations such as bars and clubs where others are often trying to fill the same void, we can have sex whenever and with whomever, spill our guts to strangers, display vulnerability, dress up or down, we can garner approval from others. We can also retreat; staying at home filling ourselves with romantic movies, books, or music, engage in imaginative fantasies or pleasuring ourselves. We can restrict ourselves; rationalizing, gaslighting, ignoring feelings, avoiding living life, use substances or even activities to numb ourselves. We can use faith to runaway; by over spiritualizing, burying ourselves in worship music, avoiding the conflict through service, and prayer. All of these examples display that desire and fear is not inherently sinful, evil, or harmful BUT it is acting on the impulses influenced by these feelings instead of God’s voice. This strategy of dealing with one’s desire for a relationship is not a new strategy; it’s something everyone employs in life. We use whatever resources at our disposal to meet our needs, desires, and relieve fears. If we are unsuccessful, we learn new ways to meet those needs; godly or ungodly ways. Culture, loneliness, and personal pressure adds another layer of complexity. Humans are made for connection and made for real connection; not texts, compliments through online chat rooms, or presence through video chat. Real face to face connection that is emotional, messy, and imperfect. Our culture adds more confusion with messages like “You do you” or ” I don’t need a man” or normalizing certain actions. Messages that say if you don’t fit this image of beauty, intelligence, sexiness, christianity, success, etc; then you won’t find someone. We see this on social media platforms and films; we hear this in music, in conversation with others, and if we are honest; we are part of the problem too. Or perhaps, I am the only one that has unfairly judged someone.
This brings me back to my beginning statements about being a hypocrite. I gave all these examples of filling desires or ameliorating fears because I have done them or I have judged people that have. It is easy to stand on a pedestal and say “I don’t drink, I don’t go to clubs, I don’t have casual sex, I don’t flirt, I don’t pleasure myself physically, I don’t engage in pornography, I don’t date around, I don’t do drugs. I dress modestly, I go to church, I stay away bars and clubs, I pray, and I respect men.” It is a lot harder to take a deeper look and ask how do I fulfill these temptations without God. That is a question; I would encourage you to ask yourself whether or not you engage in anything I listed or not. How do I fulfill these temptations, desire, fears without God? Me? I watch romance movies and read romance books. I use my imagination to create fantasies. I suppress desires through work, distractions, or restricting myself. I listen to upbeat music; ignoring the underlying lyrics championing getting tipsy or having sex. I act like it doesn’t bother me and I take turns acknowledging and avoiding men. So the problem becomes this pattern of behavior I create. There is a temptation, a desire, a fear, or need. I either avoid, fulfill, or approximate to a similar behavior or create a restriction. Then, there is the result; I feel good. I am willing to bet that you, dear reader; perhaps have had a similar experience. Now, here is a real life example which introduces the activating element of these patterns of behavior; a trigger.
A dear friend comes flys in from out of town and we spend the week together. She has a significant other and expresses missing him. I usually live alone; so, waking up with constant companion changes my routine. I am not alone anymore; I have someone to talk to about every little thought that pops in my head, to go to coffee shops with, to watch TV with, to eat meals with. Then she leaves and initially, it is nice. I have my own space again. I can return to my usual routine, I can do nothing without concern that I need to entertain a guest. But after a week goes by; I’m lonely again. Gone is every good habit of consistent bedtime or abiding by a meal schedule. I barely have motivation and then it comes. The temptation to not feel so bad, to feel something, to escape into a reality where that is not a problem. In comes a daydream, or a k-drama episode; I tell myself I’ll only watch one. I will only daydream for ten minutes. Its funny how those mental restrictions never last long. Holding out and resisting with only myself to buffer against the fear of feeling low and lone, the desire to not be alone, and the need to be seen and acknowledged by someone is stronger than my willpower.
So, how do you avoid this? How do you avoid the same pitfalls? The answer is you can’t by yourself. It has to be in collaboration with the Lord and you will still fall into temptation. Not for lack on God’s part; but our own. We aren’t perfect. And as much as I reiterate this simple truth, I have immense difficulty with it myself. The temptation would not be a struggle if it was not attractive to us and our struggle with sin and temptation will be a lifelong struggle. Discouraged? Annoyed? Perhaps, frustrated? I understand. I hate that there is nothing I can do to perfect resistance to temptation or eliminate the tendency, but I can invite the Lord in my journey. How? First, we have to understand that we cannot do it alone and we will wrestle with that. Secondly, we have to know what is our trigger > what is our typical desires/needs/fears > how we we act to obtain, avoid, or substitute something else to meet that desire > what is the result? Thirdly; repent to the Lord ( verbally) and ask for His help. Fourth, tell someone who can walk with you in that struggle. The fourth step is particularity difficult and one I have recently taken myself. It a sign to yourself that you are taking a step to change and you are not relying on your own strength. Hopefully; who you share this struggle with one who points you to God and the strength He will give you; NOT the strength that they can offer. This is an element of relationship preparation; learning to lean on God in difficulties in tandem with someone who is supporting you without being your source of strength. So, to all my singles out there; it is hard. Somedays will suck; but even with a relationship it will be difficult. But, God can help and there is still a plan. Later world.
-Sincerely, Livdawn
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