Cold clear fresh, each breath I breathe in.
Today I’m a main character
nothing could possibly bring me to my knees
its an intoxication akin to superpowers.
And the bricks hit me. Suddenly felled by reality.
Somehow I thought, that being here I could escape the tendrils of the past threatening to suffocate me.
Prevailing in their overtaking.
It seems I can’t win. It’s moments like these I’m begging for someone to notice. For anyone to care. That I am not okay. Instead, each action, thought, and consideration is rewritten, filled even in moments where I thought I could release.
Instead forced to hold tighter to what I can’t even acknowledge. Even brief escapes can’t help anymore. I’m so tired of worrying about what everyone else needs. I’d rather be selfish every single day. I want to be so selfish that I just dump and dump and dump. That I call or meet up to feed my own selfish need to feel seen, connected, to stop the gnawing for once.
I wish I could tell you all what’s so hard. What’s so wrong. And you’d listen in silence. Not saying a word. As my words come faster and faster threatening to punch a hole right through you. I wish you would listen. I wish I could make it about myself without guilt. Relief for once instead of escaping to deal. To deal. To deal.
I left people like you. I left people like you to escape, to be new.
I ended up being the same. A rug for your feet. A rest to lean on. A ear to hear, and a eye to catch what no one bothers to notice ever.
Funny. It seems like I never am as lucky as you are. Instead, I am always what everyone else needs.
I’m not so sure I’m past the point where I think perhaps its my fault. What’s so wrong about having a big heart?
No fear. Tomorrow. I escape. I run away. Even just for a day. Gone. Just try and find me. Try and find me to dump more upon me. TRY. Try to find me, the real me. Not the personality you so crave. The personality that comes on and off in which every thing rolls off my back. Rolls off to hold you.
I want to scream. Instead, I sit here in bed typing quietly; still so demure;
My self control is Iron clad as is my sense of responsibility.
I’d love to go off the deep end; but I don’t know If I could.
There is too much to untether.
There is too many other logical decisions.
Instead of throwing away everything in the heat of the moment. You’ll regret the loss of control. You’ll lecture yourself.
The best I can do?
Yes, this is the best I can do. Always be grateful, kind, sincere, genuine. Always loving, never expecting, rarely expressing yearning.
How about I simply be the perfect example of one with contentment and peace? So, you never feel the sting with me.
What else can I give to serve you?
How else can I fill this endless void?
When there is nothing left of me; I hope you’ve finally found some permanence.
I hope you forget all about me.
Then perhaps my resentment will fade because you never understood what you had in the first place.
It’s worse when you see value. When you appreciate me. When you miss me.
Somedays, I can’t give you that side of happiness and peace. I can’t give you any of that.
Instead, I’m burning with anger.
Stifling tears because I’m furious I must always care for you at my own expense.
I’m burning at both ends. Perhaps this means I’m a decent Christian after all.
Or perhaps a bad one, a stupid one. Thinking i could do it on my own.
But I’m impatient. Starting back up is so much pain. And where are you LORD?
I pray for help, for strength; all I receive is those broken by life.
Apparently; I don’t matter at all. Only for what I can provide others.
I’ve lost that way to keep myself whole.
My fears swallow me up.
I’m lost Lord.
I’m tired of pushing, pushing past the limit, the barrier. ” because they are worth it”.
yet, Lord. I know the moment I’m not alone; suddenly I can be everything they need.
I’m invested, energetic, consistent, a rock.
Then I’m alone and I crumble.
I only push because I must maintain. To many tethers to hold onto.
If I stop pushing; what will they do?
It’s only moments like these, I’m angry someone doesn’t wonder the same for me.
It doesn’t matter I guess.
Help me find a way to stay whole.
because that is only something you can do.
Amen.
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