On the cusp
of something called change.
It’s nervewracking
It’s also fresh air after years of drowning.
You can’t opt out of work
what an odd notion,
it spins through my head.
Along with the idea, I might resemble domestic abuse survivors.
Somewhere in there is a sense of dread; dread for the first step of the rest of my life.
Will I be good enough?
Will I get there and find everything from the past year leaked right out of my head.
Or will I struggle initially, learn a bit, and be fine?
I still wonder if I’m truly so tired, or perhaps theres a medical issue, or perhaps its just tangled wires from my emotions
Will the lows keep getting smaller and high’s longer?
Or perhaps there will be a new lab saying something new, yet totally normal
for a recovering disordered eater.
I also ponder; why is life so much sharper?
Is it simply recognition of time passing?
OR is it growth?
Huh.
To think I’d actually get there.
Mostly on time.
Mostly to bed regularly
Mostly eating normally
Mostly feeling instead of compartmentalizing.
I’m still alone,
in the sense of romance.
Sometimes, I think about the likelihood
of being anything less than a singular person with a living Savior inside of them.
Somedays; I think that it’s enough to be as I am.
Somedays I wonder about differentiation.
DIFFERENTIATION.
Formerly repugnant
Formerly a betrayal
Formerly a dishonorable concept.
Now, I’d like to think I’ve become more amiable.
Yet, I’m still not quite convinced.
Risks, do I take risks?
Risks, should I take risks?
I had a first
a first time more recently.
When someone reprimanded, a loss in control.
I was at loss for words too.
Descending into chaos.
So lazy, waking up late.
So, shameless; burying yourself to avoid your own life.
Yet, somehow the descent wasn’t as long as in the past.
Now I reached the bottom, but I find I didn’t want to wallow.
There wasn’t much muck to wallow in.
So, I came out of the basement.
I forgot how bright it was, outside the basement.
I still have concerns
Like I’ll never make it.
I still have fears
Like it’ll be me, myself, and I staring down the endless void of life utterly alone.
I still have hesitations
Like can God really accept me
I still have worries
Like I’ll disappoint those closest to me with one wrong step.
But, I still have a dream.
All the rest is just tangled wires.
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